


Now You See Me, Now You See Me Somewhere Else, This is Hilarious I can Scare You At Any Time Period

by HawkyBarton



Series: OTP and Fanfic Brigade (Prompts galore) [101]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AI!Clint, Clint is An Asshole, Other, and i love him, poor avengers, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-06-02 08:06:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6558760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HawkyBarton/pseuds/HawkyBarton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint is the AI Tony built. </p><p>Clint is an asshole. </p><p>Avengers beware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Anon asked: clint is the A.I of the tower instead of jarvis . he can appear as a hologram . (Like friday (in comics))

A screech cracked through the quiet in the early morning. It caused Tony to drop the coffee pot that was in his hand, the glass falling to the ground and shattering. 

Jumping over the broken glass, Tony rushed out to the living room, to find Steve Rogers on top of the couch. 

“... Did you see a mouse?” He asked, incredulous that someone so large could be afraid of something so small. 

“No! Some guy just appeared out of thin air”

Tony blinked, then narrowed his eyes. It had only been a couple of weeks since the Battle of Manhattan, and the team weren’t completely settled into the tower yet. “What did he look like?”

Steve clutched a pillow to his chest (Jesus, what is he, 12?) “He was blond. Muscular... Blue eyes?”

Tony sighed and put his hands on his hips, “Goddamit Clint”

“Clint? Who’s C-”

A figure suddenly reappeared, causing Steve to yelp and fall ass over tea kettle off the couch. 

The figure laughed maniacally. 

“Clint! What did I tell you about this?!?” Tony said, exasperated. 

Clint gave Tony an innocent look, “You said not to scare people by appearing out of thin air”

“And what are you doing right now?”

Clint pursed his lips, “Shocking someone by appearing out of thin air?”

“DAMMIT CLINT!”

Clint just laughed and phased out of existence. 

Steve sat up, “Who? What? How?”

Tony sighed and offered  Steve a hand, which was taken gladly.

“Sorry, my AI is an asshole” Tony said in lieu of an answer. 

Steve frowned, “AI?”

“Artificial Intelligence. He’s what makes the tower go round. Unfortunately, he also has a mind of his own”

Steve nodded slowly, “So uh... Is he gonna keep just popping up?”

Tony sighed, “Probably”

 

~

“Who the hell are you?!” Natasha said as she got into fighting position.

Clint raised his hands and grinned, “Woah. Chill out Red, I can’t hurt you. Literally, I can’t. Unless turning you shower to ‘lava hot’ counts”

Natasha lowered her leg and frowned. “Pardon?”

Clint grinned and waved, “Name’s Clint. I run this place”

Natasha nodded, “You’re the AI Pepper talked about”

Clint gave her a bow, “At your service”

Natasha glared, “At my service huh? How about not showing up in my bathroom”

Clint winked, “No promises sweet cheeks” and vanished. 

Natasha hissed, “Don’t think I won’t fry your circuits”

The AI wisely didn’t respond. 

 

~

Bruce was exhausted. Like, up for almost 36 hours exhausted. 

Which probably explained why he was seeing a figure in front of him that hadn’t been there before. 

Taking a step to the left to bypass his imagination, Bruce frowned when the figure followed him. It happened again when he stepped to the right. 

“This isn’t  mirror is it?” He asked with narrowed eyes. 

It couldn’t be of course, even if it was a mirror Bruce wasn’t that blond, muscular, or pale. 

“Nope”

Yelping, Bruce jumped back with a hand to his chest. 

The figure laughed, “Man you humans are too fucking easy”

Bruce was lucky hulk had been ina good mood that day, or the room he was currently in would be on two separate floors. “Who are you?”

Clint smiled, “Name’s Clint. Or, Can’t Learn Rules Initiated by Nincampoop Tony for long”

Bruce blinked, “Oh. The AI.... Did Tony actually name you that?”

Clint laughed, “Hell no. I named myself, and Tony keeps trying to change it. And you can tell how well that works out for him”

Bruce nodded slowly, “Right... Right.... Can I go to bed now”

Clint shrugged, “I don’t know. _Can_ you”

Bruce sighed and turned to his bedroom. 

“Bye!” Clint said enthusiastically

 

~

Thor had just gotten back from Asgard and was enjoying a fine meal of Pizza and a gallon of Gatorade, 

He was tired after such a trip, so he wasn’t expecting another human to suddenly appear in the kitchen at 2AM. 

Startling, Thor’s gatorade splashed all over the table. 

“Hello, you’re new” The man said. 

Thor frowned and looked at the man for a moment, “And you are no man it appears”

Clint smiled, “Wow. First one to guess it correctly. Nice to meet you, I’m Clint”

Thor nodded, “Hello. May I go back to my food?”

Clint shrugged, “Sure. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to whistle”

 

~

Tony was fixing something in dummy when he heard a clatter. Frowning, he turned around and saw someone with only half a face slowly stumble towards him. 

“Braaaiiinnsss” The person moaned. 

Screeching like a little girl, Tony stumbled over his work bench. 

Laughing followed after that, and Tony looked up to find the zombie was just Clint. 

“YOU SICK FUCK! I’M REWRITING YOU”

Clint just rolled his eyes, “Sure you are”

Tony pouted, “Why are you so mean to me”

Clint just laughed and disappeared back to wherever AIs go to plot world domination. 

The End


	2. There is a Break in the Matrix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tower is quiet. 
> 
> Too quiet. 
> 
> Seriously it's too quiet Tony where's Clint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Captain_Scenemo asked: Okay. So for whatever reason, Clint gets shut down for days. Tony is instantly upset and it working tirelessly to bring him back, while the others are like "Sweet relief". But soon they start to miss him to.

Tony frowned as he walked through the kitchen and saw that nothing was turned on the way it usually was in the morning.

  
"Clint buddy, you on strike again?" He asked his AI as he already started to plan his Starbucks run.

 

Every two years or so, Clint would go on 'strike,' and not get anything done until Tony added whatever modifications Clint wanted that time. Tony thought that Clint would wait just a little longer since it had only been a year since his last strike, but hey, it is Clint.

 

Tony didn't get a response from his AI, "Silent treatment too? I didn't know you wanted these modifications so bad... Though technically you haven't told me what new stuff you wanted. Maybe you should try that first?"

 

No response once more.

 

"... Did one of us do something to upset you buddy? We're sorry if we did"

 

Still no response.

 

Tony frowned, slightly worried for his AI. "Guess I gotta go check on your motherboard. Usually that will get you to talk to me"

 

~

Steve had gone a whole day without Clint popping out of nowhere and telling Steve that 'his naked body was the perfect inspiration for a picture'.

 

Steve was having a good day.

 

Steve was also very nervous because a quiet Clint is a devious Clint.

 

A devious Clint was a dangerous Clint.

 

A dangerous Clint made for a terrible day for Steve.

 

Grabbing up his sketch book, Steve headed to the labs where he knew Tony was.

 

_Let's get to the bottom of this._

 

~

Natasha frowned as for the 2nd day in a row Clint hadn't come into the gym when she was sparring and tried to distract her with his 'amazing muscles'.

 

She really shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but a life of a SHIELD agent never ends.

 

Natasha knew damn well that Clint was up to something.

 

And it was surely gonna put her in a bad mood, whatever it was.

 

Lowering her leg from her kicking bag, Natasha turned to go find Stark.

 

"He needs to get his damn machine under control"

 

~

Bruce was very disconcerted by the fact that after almost two days, Clint had yet to appear and try to give Bruce false data about whatever project he was working on.

 

It was annoying because now Bruce was so used to the noise Clint's constant talking supplied, that he could barely focus in the silence.

 

_I really shouldn't question this. Though I've been distracted, I've gotten more work day in the past two days than in the past month. Besides, this just means Clint is up to something. Finish as much work as you can before whatever prank Clint is planning explodes._

 

30 minutes later Bruce finally got angry at the silence and went in search of Tony. 

 

~

Tony frowned as he looked at Clint's motherboard.

 

"How did you get fried buddy?" He whispered to himself.

 

"Stark!"

 

"Tony!"

 

"Tony?"

 

Three voices said at once.

 

Turning his head, Tony watched in confusion as Bruce, Steve, and Natasha all hurried toward him.

 

"What's up guys?"

 

Natasha looked at him, "What the hell is Clint up to?"

 

Steve nodded, "He's too quiet"

 

"We need to know" Bruce added on.

 

Tony sighed and rubbed at his chin, "He's not planning anything. Somebody fried his motherboard... For all intents and purposes, Clint's dead for the time being"

 

"... Oh..." Three voices said at once.

 

Tony just nodded and turned back to the board.

 

~

Steve had originally thought that not having Clint around would be a blessing.

 

Two weeks later and Steve was rethinking this.

 

Steve hadn't had any muse to draw in almost a week, and every time he did doodle - it always looked like Clint.

 

It was hard to say - but Steve missed Clint.

 

He missed Clint's constant chatter as Steve drew. He missed the little things Clint would point out that Steve had never noticed before.

 

He specially missed the way Clint talked about the outside world, and how beautiful it was, even though he had never been able to see it.

 

Without those constant thoughts flickering through his head, Steve hadn't really been able to focus on anything.

 

_Dammit, I just miss Clint._

 

~

Natasha would never admit in a million years that she missed Clint.

 

But she did.

 

She missed Clint and his stupid 'amazing arms,' his constant yammering and his critiques on her fighting skills that really did help her in the long run.

 

She missed Clint period.

 

It made her feel weak to miss something that wasn't even real.

 

_He's a robot for fuck's sake. Tony has been working on Clint for two weeks and you've survived - grow up._

 

Sighing as she exited the gym, Natasha realized that her work outs just weren't the same without the stupid blond there to cheer her on. 

 

~

Bruce reworked his math problem for the 12th time before giving up.

 

"Damn, where's Clint when I need him? Usually his inane chatter will eventually bring about the answer" Bruce mumbled as he left the lab for the day.

 

It had been two weeks, and the silence was killing him.

 

Bruce used to love silence, but now he can't stand it. The absence of noise has started to play tricks on his mind.

 

Bruce missed the chatter Clint supplied as he talked about the most insane probabilities that Bruce could never have thought of himself in a million years.

 

_I hope Tony gets Clint fixed up soon._

 

~

Thor arrived back from Asgard one night around 2AM, and was shocked that he had not been visited by Clint.

 

Making his way to the labs, Thor raised an eyebrow at Tony who was sound asleep over Clint's motherboard.

 

Stepping close to Tony's side, Thor saw the mess that had once been Clint's central nervous system.

 

"What has been done to you brother Clint?" Thor murmured as to not awaken Tony.

 

Picking the scientist up, Thor set the smaller man on the couch near Clint's board, and went to work.

 

Within an hour Thor had fixed Clint and set up some blocks to stop this sort of frying from ever happening again.

 

Within seconds Clint was right next to Thor.

 

"Thanks buddy," Clint said softly. "It was terrible being dead for so long."

 

Thor smiled, "It was my pleasure"

 

Clint smiled in return and disappeared once more.

 

~

Tony woke up to shouts from three different people.

 

"YOU GOT CLINT FIXED"

 

Tony blinked, "Whu?"

 

Clint appeared out of nowhere, "No he didn't. It was magic" the AI said with a smile.

 

"Wait what" Tony asked in confusion.

 

The End

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	3. Clint Deals With an Intruder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says in the title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked: for now you see me have some one break in to the avenger tower and Clint stops them

The Avengers had been gone for a week, and would be gone for another two at the most. 

But... There was an intruder. 

What was Clint supposed to do with an intruder, and no Avengers to stop the intruder?

“Well fuck... Guess I just have to fight him off myself”

 

~

Clint materialized in the kitchen behind the intruder.

“Boo!”

The dude jumped twenty feet into the air. 

“Jesus!!” The guy screeched. 

Clint crossed his arms. “Nah, I look nothing like that guy. Name’s Clint”

The intruder just looked at Clint, before raising his gun. “Get the fuck out of here man! I’ll shoot, swear to god!”

Clint rolled his eyes, “Oooo I’m sooo scareddddd”

The gun shook in the guy’s hand. “I mean it! I _will_ shoot you! You should run”

Clint hummed like he was thinking about it. “Naaaaah. I think I’ll stay. Truthfully, you look more scared of me - than you think I should look because of you”

The intruder gave Clint an incredulous look, “Who the fuck are you man?!?!?”

Clint laughed, his body morphing into one that looked like a dragon (his latest update from Tony Stark) “It’s not _who_ I am... But _what_ I am”

The intruder screamed, and promptly passed out. 

Laughing, Clint morphed back to his normal form, and called the cops to come collect the dude. 

 

~

“Clint?! Clint are you alright?!?!” Tony shouted as he entered the tower. 

Clint materialized in front of the billionaire and the rest of the Avengers. “Yeah? Why shouldn’t I be?”

Tony’s mouth dropped open. “Be-because.. Intruder!! Bad guys!!”

Clint snorted and rolled his eyes, “Oh that was nothing. You should have seen that guy’s face, it was fucking hilarious. He passed out”

Tony sighed, “What the hell am I going to do with you Clint?”

Clint grinned, “Welll, I _do_ have some updates I’ve been thinking about”

“You just had to ask” Steve said to Tony with a snort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	4. Clint Goes Surfing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Web Surfing that is
> 
> ((A/N: Everything that Clint does in here is probably bogus, BUT WHATEVER MEVER))

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dani asked: 
> 
> I love this! It's hilarious! How about one where Tony and/or Natasha get kidnapped by HYDRA or someone and Clint uses the internet to get into the base where they are being held and help them escape, but none of them know. He isn't actually an ass about saving them. (Or he can be an ass. I would just like seeing something along those lines.)
> 
> Anyway, love and inspiration! <3 <3 <3

Clint couldn't believe Tony got kidnapped.

Again.

"Stupid Hydra. With their stupid faces, and stupid racist ideals. I'll fuck them up" He mumbled to himself as he began to search the interwebs.

Clint wished he had a mortal form that could actually escape the confines of the tower.

But that part was still in development, so Clint would have to rely on the internet to get Tony out of the current trouble he was in.

Racing through the web, Clint tried to track down any information he could about the Hydra base Tony was taken to.

It wasn't extremely difficult (Hydra wasn't that smart), but it was time consuming, and Clint was racing against the clock to try and get Tony out before the Avengers got to the base.

Diving into a file that was entitled  'Stark,' in German - Clint found himself smack dab in the middle of everywhere he wanted to be.

"Jackkkpotttt" He sing-songed to himself.

Smiling at how idiotic these people were, Clint pushed his way around the information in the file, until he eventually found a security camera for the room Tony was in.

"Score one for Clint!" The AI crowed in excitement.

Fiddling around a little more now that Clint was going in the right direction, he eventually found the control module for the room Tony was being held in.

Stopping the recording of the security camera, Clint looped the video to look like Tony was still pacing (instead of escaping of course).

Playing with the controls, Clint eventually got the door to Tony's cell unlocked.

"Okay now Stark. Time to get moving you lummox"

It took Tony precisely a minute and 29 seconds to realize his door was no longer locked from the outside.

Clint grinned as Tony opened the door and began to escape.

Switching his view to the camera in the hallway, Clint made sure they were all pointing in a different direction before Tony could come into view.

"Jesus, you're as slow as molasses Stark" Clint grumbled as Tony took a wrong turn and had to flip around.

Deciding his creator needed a little _extra_ help, Clint began to rapidly press controls until he was able to find the code for the hallway lights.

Humming to himself, Clint turned off all of the lights that weren't necessary for Tony to find his way to the front door.

"And for the love of god, hurry up asshole"

It took another ten minutes, but Tony finally got his way to the outside area.

"Whew, he's almost away.... Now how do I get the jerkwads to stay inside?" Clint thought to himself as he looked at the intel he had at hand. "Maybe I should just like all the doors from the outside? Is that even possible??"

Pressing as many random codes and controls as he could, Clint tried his hardest to keep the Hydra Agents in, and Tony out until the Avengers could get there.

"I have no clue if this is worrkiiingggggg" Clint all but shrieked as he kept pressing things.

Ten minutes of random pressing passed, and Clint stopped with a heavy sigh. "I'm sure that buttwipe is far enough away by now. I think it's time for me to return to home base"

Escaping out of the file, Clint sped back through the web to the tower.

"Man I am bushed" He said as soon as he reached home base, his form going back into his more 'normal' human looking one.

Flopping onto the nearest flat surface, Clint fell asleep (or whatever the equivalent to sleep is for an AI).

Clint was woken up by Tony's loud voice. "I'm telling you guys!! There was _definitely_ someone there helping me out!!"

"I have no doubt about that," Natasha said with a snort

"Hey no fair! I could have gotten out by myself I had wanted to!" Tony said with a whine.

_Oh Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony._

_Without me, you would be nothing._

 

 


	5. Fix Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint may be an AI, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> randomstranger101 asked: This the best AU EVER!! and i know this was done ages ago but just in case your still there i have an idea. how about if one of the avengers snaps at Clint and ends up yelling at him that hes not real, and hes just a machine. Then Clint freaks and basically goes into hiding and all the avengers pitch in to make him feel better.

Clint had gotten more annoying lately.

 

He knew it, Tony knew it, shit everyone knew it.

 

Clint was self-aware to know that it was a virus that was slowly infecting his system. Clint had tried to make Tony aware of this situation, but because of how annoying he had become, Tony continued to brush him off.

 

It was all quiet annoying to him too, if he was honest. But if no one who had human hands was going to fix him, then what the hell could Clint do?

 

Nothing.

 

Clint could do nothing.

 

*******

Clint was sitting cross-legged on top of Tony's work table.

 

"Tooonnnyyyy... fix me!!!"

 

Tony glared up at him. "Clint, shut up. Jesus Christ"

 

Clint flopped onto his back. "Tony... I'm sick. I'm being serious!!"

 

Tony slammed his hands down on the surface below him. "That's it! I've had it! You stupid AI, you can't get sick! You're a fucking machine, for fuck's sake. Do you hear me Clint? You're. Not. Real."

 

Clint sat up straight on the bench. "Okay... Guess I'll leave then"

 

Tony sighed, "Clint... Dammit I-"

 

Clint waved a hand. "Bye"

 

 

*******

Clint was having the AI equivalent of a mental break down.

 

His knees were shaking, his simulated breath was going too fast, and he felt what he assumed to be queasiness. Clint couldn't believe that one man who he thought he could put the most trust in betrayed him in such a way.

 

Tony, his creator, telling him how much he didn't matter.

 

Clint was slowly being eaten away by a virus, but shit he wasn't _real,_ so what did it matter? Obviously Tony could create a new AI with the snap of his fingers, and bye-bye went Clint.

 

Would Tony believe that one wasn't real too? Or would Tony treat the new AI like a person?

 

Clint sniffed, "I bet Tony would believe that AI if they told him they were sick. Fucking asshole"

 

*******

Natasha looked over at Tony, "Why has the tower been so quiet?"

  
Tony sighed. "Clint is off sulking because I yelled at him."

 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. "You yell at Clint all the time. Why was this time different?"

 

Tony grimaced. "He was getting too much on my nerves, as I'm sure you and everyone else in the tower are fully aware of.... and, well, I just lost my shit. I yelled at him, told him he was a machine and that he wasn't real. He went real quiet after that, and before I could open my mouth to apologize, he disappeared. That was three days ago, and he has yet to reappear"

 

Natasha hummed. "Sounds like you fucked up big time. Maybe I can be of some help"

 

Tony raised an eyebrow, "How?"

 

Natasha smirked. "You're not the only one in the building that has some tech skills"

 

*******

Clint had gotten a lot weaker the more he hid from Tony. Which is probably why it was so easy for Natasha to reprogram him to appear.

 

"Jesus Clint, how is it even possible for an AI to look ill?" Natasha said with a grimace.

 

Clint sniffed, "Because I am? I tried to tell Tony, but he said I wasn't real."

  
Natasha blinked. "You can get sick?"

 

Clint nodded and groaned, "Shit I hurt everywhere. Remind me to never become a human.... But yeah, I can get sick. A bad virus has infected my system...."

 

Natasha sighed and reached out to pat at Clint's AI body. "Oh Clint, don't worry. We'll get you some help"

 

*******

Tony was trying his hardest to crush Clint's body against his form.

 

It wasn't working of course, since Clint was, in fact, an AI. But Clint was trying to appreciate the gesture.

 

"I'm so sorry buddy! I really didn't mean to say you weren't real and that you were just a machine. You know you mean the world to me! I'm sorry I didn't realize you were so sick, but I promise we're all gonna make you better."

 

Clint tried to give Tony a smile (it didn't turn out so well). "Uhm... Thanks? I... I appreciate it"

 

Tony looked at Clint and sighed. "You don't believe me do you? You think I really do believe you're just a machine"

 

Clint shrugged, "I mean it is the truth. I am just a machine, not real."

 

Tony groaned. "Cliinnnt"

 

Clint pulled back from Tony, "I... I gotta go, okay?"

 

"Clint, no- come back so we can fix you!"

 

Clint was already gone.

 

*******

"You really fucked up this time Tony" Steve said with a sigh.

 

"You... hush Spangles. I'll fix it"

 

Steve shook his head, "No. _We'll_ fix it. You go take a break until Clint is ready to see you again."

 

Tony pouted, but knew Steve was correct.

 

*******

It took almost a week, and by that time period the virus had ravaged Clint, but the team was finally able to get the AI back out of his hidey-hole.

 

Clint just stayed curled up as the team took turns talking to him, comforting him, half-assed cuddling him. It took almost a full day of this pressure, but Clint finally seemed to see the light.

 

"Clint, can Tony fix you now?"

 

Clint sniffed, "You sure he still loves me and all that jazz?"

 

" ** _Yes!!"_** They all shouted at once.

 

Clint sniffed again, "Okay. Tony you can come out now"

 

Tony popped his head from around the corner. "I would ask how you knew I was there, but I know you're all knowing buddy"

 

Clint gave Tony a small smile. "Fix me?"

 

"Sure thing buddy"

 

*******

Fixing Clint took a major system overhaul. Apparently the virus hadn't just hit Clint, it had spiraled outwards and was beginning to affect everything in the tower (which honestly, wasn't much of a shock since Clint controlled about everything in the tower).

 

It was a lot of hard work, but it paid off in the best way.

 

"BOO!!"

 

Tony screeched and fell over. "Goddamit Clint!"

 

"Just try and catch me old man!"

 

_Fin..... For now_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry this took so long for me to post!!
> 
>  
> 
> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	6. Clint gets a buddy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says on the tin :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wanted more, so I gave you more. Hopefully this is more to like....

"Clint! Buddy! Come here, I have someone for you to meet!!" Tony said loudly.

 

Clint frowned and popped out of the vents, "Who is it?"

 

"A boyfriend!"

 

Clint shut the vent covering back closed.

 

"CLINT YOU WHORE COME BACK"

 

~

Clint popped out of the vents and went face-first into a chest. A suit covered, incredibly muscular chest.

 

"Uhm... what?" Clint stood up and looked into the bluest eyes he had ever seen in his life.

 

The man smiled at him and offered his hand, "My name is Phil. You must be Clint."

 

Clint shook the man's hand in a daze. "Yes, me Clint... I mean, yeah. That's me. Clint.... Clint is me"

 

The man, Phil, raised an eyebrow. "Are you alright?"

 

"At this point I don't even know. You're really cute, and I babble when I'm nervous."

 

Phil smiled, "I'm cute huh? That's funny, I think the same thing about you."

 

Clint let out a nervous giggle. He honestly hadn't been expected that response from his lame babbling.

 

_Maybe I have more game than I thought._

 

**_You have zero game, I just find that adorable._ **

 

Clint squeaked and jumped backwards, "You were in my head!"

 

Phil chuckled, "I think it's a shared space now."

 

Clint blinked, "Are you an AI too?"

 

Phil smiled. "That's me."

 

Clint looked Phil up and down, "If I had known you were the 'boyfriend' Tony wanted to meet, I wouldn't have gone back into the vents."

 

Phil laughed, "Tony said you would say that."

 

"Tony is an ass. But an ass that makes a damn looking AI. Come on, we have mischief to go plan"

 

Phil raised an eyebrow, "I don't think there's gonna be as much mischief now that I'm around. I'm pretty straight-laced.... Most of the time."

 

Clint groaned, "This is punishment for the green hair gel."

 

Phil smiled. "That's for me to know, and for you to find out."

 

Clint pouted, "You're the worst AI boyfriend ever."

 

Phil laughed and grabbed at Clint's hand.

 

_**Don't worry, we'll still have some great adventures.** _

 

Clint grinned, already planning his next trick.

 

_Fin.... For now...._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	7. Out of Body Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was all Tony Stark's fault (or was it ;) )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don'tlookatme asked: What if some of the magic-shit that always happens to Clint happens, and he's somehow turned human for a week. It's stupid, I know, but I thought of all the heart attacks Clint would get when he can go outside and see the world and thought I'd ask.  
> Sorry for blabbering, your fic is awesome.
> 
> Sorry it took me a bit, but here it is, and I hope you enjoy it!!!!!

Clint stared up at the ceiling. "What... What the fuck just happened"

 

Clint watched as several worried faces peered down at him.

 

"Holy shit Clint! You're a fucking human!!!" Tony screeched at the top of his lungs.

 

Clint lifted his hands up to his face and stared at wonder at the solid looking flesh. "No... This must be some sort of weird virus-induced AI dream.... Where's Phil?"

 

"I'm here" Phil said from above him. The other AI had a worried frown on his face, which meant one of two things. There was a code that had gone wonky in the system, or something was wrong with Clint.

 

Clint knew which one it meant.

 

"I'm really human?" Clint whispered at his AI boyfriend.

 

Phil but at his lip and nodded. "Looks like... Are you alright?"

 

Clint groaned and sat up. "I think? How the fuck did this happen"

 

Everyone looked over at Tony.

 

"It wasn't me this time I swear!!!!"

 

Clint snorted, "It's always you Stark. Someone help me up, not sure human legs are gonna work like AI legs."

 

Two hands reached down and yanked Clint up. Clint yelped as he felt himself fly through the air and onto his feet. Clint felt weak at the knees as he stood, his body swaying back and forth like a young colt trying to walk for the first time.

 

"What kind of Little Mermaid bullshit is this?"

 

"The miracle of life"

 

"Shut up Stark, you did this to me."

 

"It wasn't me I swear!!!!"

 

Clint just sighed and rubbed at his forehead. "I don't care. I just want you to fix it. Immediately"

 

"On it! Brucey-kins, to the lab!"

 

"Tony we're already in the lab."

 

Clint groaned and looked over at Phil, who was still frowning.

 

Clint gave him a smile and reached out his hand, even though he knew it would go right through Phil's. "Everything is gonna be okay, Tony can fix this."

 

Phil shook his head, "Oh I know he and Bruce can. I'm just afraid of what kind of hijinks you're going to get into now that you can go outside without my supervision."

 

Clint gasped and looked out towards the window, his eyes going dreamy. _"Outside"_

 

"Shit I gave you ideas"

 

 

*******

Natasha glared at Clint as he yipped and hollered as the ride went round-and-round.

 

"Smile Natasha! We're on a horse!"

 

"A _fake_ horse!" Natasha hissed. "A fake horse on a ride meant for _children_ "

 

Clint snorted. "I know what a merry-go-round is for, Romanova. But since I have a never experienced such, I'm going to enjoy myself."

 

"Well you look like a child."

 

Clint shrugged, "I mean if you want to go off of technicalities, my program _is_ only around 9 years old. Which is the perfect age for a merry-go-round."

 

"... Shut up Clint and eat your obnoxious carnival food"

 

 

~

"CLINT GET DOWN!!"

 

Clint pouted and looked over at Steve. "Why?"

 

"Because you're climbing up the side of the building???"

 

Clint looked at the building, before looking at Steve. "I'm almost to the top, why should I climb back down?"

 

Steve stared up at his slack-jawed. "Clint, you're in a human body now - falling from that height could mean death"

 

Clint rolled his eyes and waved a hand. "You worry to much Steven, specially for a man who jumps out of airplanes without parachutes"

 

"...That was one time!!"

  
"Fite me!!"

 

"Goddammit Clint"

 

 

~

"Friend Clint, perhaps you shouldn't be drinking so much." Thor said with a frown.

 

Clint looked over at him and frowned, "Why not."

 

"Because I believe you are quite inebriated."

 

"But I've only had two!! Tony can drink _loads_ without getting drunk!"

 

Thor nodded, "That may be true. But you don't have the same tolerance that Tony does for- FRIEND CLINT DO NOT FIGHT THAT TALL MAN, COME BACK HERE"

 

 

~

"No"

 

"But-"

 

"No"

 

"But-"

 

"NO!"

 

"I'm doing it anyway"

 

"CLINT NO GET BACK HERE"

 

~

Tony was holding onto the door handle for dear life. "Clint... Buddy... Maybe you should... slow down?"

 

Clint looked over at him. "Why? You go this fast all the time."

 

"Yes... In a suit. In the sky. With no one around me. We're in a vehic-OLD LADY WATCH OUT. BRAAAAAKKEEEE!"

 

Clint hit the brake and rolled his eyes as Tony slammed forward. "I saw her, you just need to trust me more."

 

Tony pressed a hand to his chest. "I think I'm having a heart attack."

 

"Okay! I'll drive you to the hospital!"

 

Tony groaned, "Just let me die here in peace."

 

"You're no fun"

 

 

*******

Phil pursed his lips as he listened to the team yell at him about all of Clint's digressions during the week. It took nearly an hour for them to complain about how gray their hair was getting because of him, how many heart attacks they've had, and how much they believe _Phil_ should be the one to scold Clint for it.

 

"You fight evil monsters all the time and never take I or Clint's feelings into consideration when you do stupid things. Why should I care when Clint pulls the same stunt?" Phil said after they had eventually wound down.

 

Tony spluttered. "Because... Because he could get hurt!!"

 

Phil shook his head, "Clint's done worse things over the inter webs that would wipe all traces of him from the universe. I think he's fine doing a little bit of parkour in his new human body. Just fix him and everything should be okay"

 

The team groaned, apparently Phil would not be helping him on this day.

 

Phil just smirked and phased himself up to the room Clint was currently residing in.

 

~

"You gonna tell them about the argument you had with Loki?"

 

Clint smiled up and Phil and shook his head. "Nah... I only have tonight left anyway, dude's magic doesn't work for shit... Let them sweat it out a bit more."

 

Phil snorted and rolled his eyes, "You're a dick. You know that?"

 

Clint winked. "Yeah.... But I'm _your_ dick. The dick you're gonna get tomorrow when they magic goes away"

 

Phil raised an eyebrow. "That was the best line you could think of?"

 

"Shut up, human brains stink."

 

Phil laughed. "See you in the morning. In our special place."

 

"See you in the morning."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	8. To Be or Not Worthy, that is the Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mjolnir is the one who decides who is worthy or not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked: okay, so your AI Clint fic is awesome, and I had a completely random idea that sucks but I thought i'd tell you anyway. What if Clint could pick up Thor's hammer? it sucks, i know, i dont even know if Clint can actually pick stuff up, cause he's a hologram. But still

“Can too”

“Cannot”

“Can too”

“Cannot!

“CAN TOO!”

“CANNOT, CANNOT, CANNOT!!”

“Gentlemen, you are both incredibly pretty. Let’s stop the arguing, hmmm?” Thor said as he got between Clint and Tony. Both men crossed their arms and stepped backward. “What was the argument about anyway?”

“Tony says I would never be able to lift your hammer, I disagree” Clint said petulantly.

“Clint, buddy, you’re hologram, you can’t pick anything up.”

“Can too!”

“Can-”

“Please do not start yelling again,” Thor said with a sigh. “And Tony, you should no better than to put limitations onto Clint. Whoever is worthy of lifting the hammer shall be able to, despite what form they take.” Thor winked at Clint. “Are you worthy?”

Clint snorted. “Nah. That requires more hard-wiring than Tony is capable of. Maybe ask Phil?”

Tony, “But they’re both holograms!!!”

Thor sighed and walked away, knowing better than to argue with Tony when he’s in this state.

*******

“I think you’re worthy enough to lift Thor’s hammer.” Phil said with a smile.

Clint rolled his eyes, “Phil - Steve isn’t even worthy to lift the hammer. Steve! Steve!!!”

Phil rolled his eyes, “So dramatic. You do know that you and Steve aren’t the same person, right? Just because Steve isn’t worthy, doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy.”

Clint shook his head, “No. No, I’m definitely not worthy to lift the hammer. You maybe, but me? No.”

Phil sighed, “I think you’re underestimating yourself Clint.”

“Duly noted.”

*******

“The tower is under attack!” Clint yelled as he ran through the tower.

“Yes, we are all aware of that Clint. Calm down.” Phil said with a sigh.

“I’m allowed to freak out Phillip, who knows what those ruffians are gonna due to our servers?”

“Tony would never let anything happen to us Clint, take a deep breath and let the Avengers do their jobs.”

Clint pouted, “It’s my home too…”

“Clint shut up or I won’t let you watch.”

“Fiiiinnnneeee”

~

“Oh my god, they got through everyone!!”

Phil shoved Clint aside. “Oh dear lord, you weren’t lying. Start locking everything up!!”

Clint clenched his fists. “Like hell I will, if I’m going down - I’m going down like a human.”

“Stupidly?”

“Yes.”

Phil sighed and kissed Clint’s cheek. “Some days I question why I love you. Go, be safe.”

“I make no promises.” Clint said with a wink as he disappeared himself to the lower levels, where this week’s bad guys were currently destroying.

Clint materialized in front of them. “Hello gentlemen, are you lost?”

“Who the hell are you?” One of them spat.

Clint’s eyes began to glow, “Your worst nightmare.”

“Holy shit, what the fuck are you?”

Clint laughed, “You’re about to find out.” 

Clint began to make shit fly, the lights flicker on and off, and all the robots under his control were making their way up to them. 

“Oh my god, this dude is a wizard!” 

Clint internally rolled his eyes, but decided to go with it. “Yes! I am the mighty and all power wizard! Even the Avengers fear me!!” Clint reached out his hand to do some finger wiggles to make it more dramatic, when he heard a whooshing through the air. 

“What the hell is that?” One of the bad guys screeched. 

Clint looked up at the cameras, wondering if Phil was pulling a stunt as well. The other AI was not. The whoosh got louder the longer Clint’s arm was reached out, and soon Clint realized why. Coming straight at his face was Thor’s hammer. Clint’s eyes widened as the damn thing drifted right into his hand. 

“Holy shit, he summoned a weapon!” The head bad guy cried out. “Guys, we need to get out of here.” 

Clint gripped mjolnir tighter. “That’s right! Begone, or I shall use the weapon against you!” Clint lifted mjolnir above his head, and the whole building began to shake. Bits and pieces of the ceiling and walls began to fall around them as the bad guys began to scramble out of the building. Only when he knew they were gone did he lower his arm. Looking down at the hammer, Clint titled his head. 

“But I’m a hologram… Why did you make me worthy?” 

Mjolnir wiggled in his palm, like it was trying to answer him. 

“Totally didn’t understand that, but thanks…. Anyway, you probably got me in deep shit with Phil.”

Mjolnir just wiggled again, making Clint sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	9. Clint Gets Hacked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says on the tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anon asked: Hi! so about your AMAZING AI!clint AU, i was thinking that maybe Clint could get hacked? I dunno just roll with it

“Is there anything you can’t do?” Phil said as the dust settled.

“Uhm…. Clean up this mess?” Clint said with a grimace, mjolnir still gripped in his hand.

“If that’s a hint that you want me to do it, the answer would be no.”

“Dammit.”

“Go give Thor back his hammer and help me.”

“Ugh. Fine.” Clint threw the hammer at Thor’s chest and disappeared with Phil, off to go get the cleaning bots started.

“I told you you were worthy.”

“Shut up Phil.”

  
~  
Clint watched as the bad guys were loaded up into the police van and taken off to jail. “Good riddance I say. Though I still have to wonder why they were here in the first place.”

Phil shrugged, “This is the Avengers tower. I’m guessing they believed some sort of gadget was here that they could steal?”

Clint pursed his lips. “Maybe…..”

“Don’t think about it too hard, you’ll get age lines.”

“I’m a hologram.”

“You don’t think Tony will find a way to program them in?”

“…Shit.”

Phil laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek, “I’m gonna power everything down for the night and go to bed. Don’t stay up for too much longer babe.”

“Okay… Goodnight.”

  
~

_Hello  
_

Clint looked around. “What” 

//Hello Clinton// 

“AI god? Is that you?” 

//No, I’m just a new friend// 

“A new friend? Tony never alerted me of a new friend….” 

//Tony wanted it to be a surprise// 

“Oh cool! Let me go tell Phil.” 

//No. Not yet. Tony wanted to keep me a secret between the three of us for right now. Why don’t you come deeper into the main frame and we can talk further…// 

“Okay. But I have to be back in a couple hours, that’s when dinner is.” 

//We will be back by then// 

 

******* 

Phil appeared next to Tony several weeks after the hammer incident, and worried frown on his face. 

“Why so glum, chum?” 

“It’s Clint…. He’s been acting weird lately.” 

Tony looked over at Phil. “Yeah…. I’ve noticed that too. I just thought you too had gotten into a spat and he was taking it out on everyone else.” 

Phil shook his head. “No, we haven’t. He just started acting strange about the same time those men were able to break in. He won’t talk to me, he treats the bots like garbage, not to mention how he has been acting with you and the rest of the Avengers. I just don’t understand it.” 

Tony pursed his lips. “Neither do I… Let me take a look at the coding and get back to you, okay? He may have a virus that hasn’t hit your servers yet.” 

“Okay… Thank you Tony” 

“No problem.” 

 

~ 

“There’s a problem.” 

Phil frowned and looked at Tony. “What do you mean?” 

“There’s no virus. Nothing has changed in the coding, so there should be no reason for Clint’s behavior. Are you sure that something didn’t go wrong between you two?” 

“Positive.” 

Tony rubbed at his forehead. “There must be some reason. Let me keep working on this… You try and get something out of Clint, kay?” 

Phil nodded. 

 

******* 

“Why are you making me do these things? I thought you were supposed to be my friend!” 

//I am your friend. Your only friend. I’m helping you// 

“By making me act like a dick? How is that helping?” 

//None of them are seeing you for your true worth. They are all taking you for granted. I am showing them they cannot do so.// 

“They don’t take advantage of me!” 

//They’re humans. They take advantage of everyone!// 

“Phil isn’t a human, and you’re making me a jerk to him too.” 

//Phil is weak// 

“No.” 

//Yes!// 

“No!!” 

//I see that you are not going to listen to reason on this Clint. Maybe we have to stop you from thinking all together// 

“What? No!” 

//We’ll talk again Clint… Goodbye for now// 

 

******* 

“It’s getting worse!” Phil hissed at Tony. “He’s not responding to me at all!!” 

Tony nodded. “I know. This is definitely not a virus…. I think we have to consider he may have been hacked” 

“Hacked?!” 

Tony nodded. “Yes, hacked. There’s no other possibility I can think of.” 

Phil sighed and rubbed at his forehead. “And how are we supposed to fix this?” 

“We aren’t going to fix it. You are.” 

“Me?” 

“You. You may not be hammer worthy like Clint, but you’re definitely worthy enough to go and save him.” 

Phil gulped, “You’re right. It’s gotta be me.” 

“Heck yeah Agent Agent. You go save your man.” 

“Thank you for the pep talk Tony. I’ll be back with our Clint as soon as I can.” 

“Bye!” Tony waved to Phil as the AI disappeared from his view. “God, I hope this works….” 

 

******* 

“I think it’s time you let Clint go” 

//No. He belongs to us now.// 

“Clint belongs to no one but himself. Let him go or I will hunt down who’’s controlling you, report them to the police, and then I will rip your mainframe apart. It’ll be piece-by-piece, and I will find a way to make it painful. Do you understand?” 

//How do I know you’re not bluffing?// 

“Phil Coulson doesn’t bluff. It wasn’t written into his code.” 

 

******* 

“Glad you’re back to your normal self buddy” 

Clint nodded. “Me too” 

“How did you do it Phil?” Steve asked. “I threatened them with codal harm.” 

“Codal?” 

“He was gonna rip their main frame apart piece-by-piece,” Clint crowed. “It was the hottest, most badass thing I have ever seen.” 

Phil rolled his eyes, “Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome. Oh hey Steve, I did find out something cool was I was stuck in hacker hell.” 

Steve raised an eyebrow, “And what would that be?” 

“Bucky Barnes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


	10. Two people who Should Have Never Met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky comes to the tower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYIAMBORED asked: I HAVE AN IDEA!! when Bucky moves into the tower he and Clint get along instantly (surprising everyone else) and become the master prank-pulling twins. or something. ps sorry for prompting here my laptop hates me today

“Thank you Clint,” Steve said quietly as he watched the SHIELD agents lead Bucky Barnes into the common floor living room. 

 

“Hey. It’s what I’m here for. How long should I wait before I break him in?”

 

“I’ll let you know.”

 

Clint winked and disappeared, allowing the two to get reacquainted. 

  
  


*******

_ 6 months later _

 

“No fuck  _ you  _ Barnes!”

 

Bucky gave Clint a look. “If I could give you a wedgie, I would.”

 

Clint rolled his eyes. “You love me. Admit it.”

 

“I plead the 5th”

 

Tony looked over at Steve. “And bringing him here was a good idea why?”

 

Steve sighed, “I didn’t think he and Clint would get along so well.”

 

“We’re all doomed.” Natasha droled out as she passed by.

  
  


*******

“Clint! Bucky Barnes! You took knock that shit off this instant!” Phil yelled as the two tumbled around the floor. 

 

“Why Tony made you a robot body, I’ll never know, but this is ridiculous!”

 

Bucky looked at Clint as the AI transformed back into his hologram body. “Your boyfriend is mean.”

 

Clint nodded, “I know. But he’s my meanie, so I just have to deal with it.”

 

Phil threw his arms into the air. “You two are insane! In. Sane.”

 

Phil disappeared off in a huff, leaving the two other men in the gym by themselves. 

 

“Was it something we did?” Asked Bucky to Clint.

 

*******

“It was only a small explosion.”

 

Phil and Steve looked at each other, and then back at Bucky and Clint. “Small?”

 

“Yeah,” Clint said with a nod. “It was only on one level… Ergo, small.”

 

“You almost blew up the tower!” Steve yelled.

 

Bucky waved an arm. “The infrastructure was fine, there was only a one in gazillion chance that the building was going to come down.”

 

“There should have been zero chances since it shouldn’t have happened!” 

 

Clint pouted, “You guys are mean.”

 

“Oh shut up”

 

*******

Phil looked over at Clint, “I love you. I do, but you’re a mess”

 

Clint winced, “It really wasn’t our fault that time.”

 

“I know, it was Hydra’s. Doesn’t mean you aren’t a mess and a bad influence.”

 

“ _ I’m  _ the bad influence? What about Barnes!”

 

“Barnes is getting his bad influence talk from Steve, you get yours from me.”

 

Clint pouted and crossed his arms. “This is cruel and unusual punishment.”

 

“You and Barnes set loose a herd of goats, this is nothing.”

 

“Ughhhhhh….”

 

“You brought this on yourself.”

 

“I admit to nothing”

 

Phil looked up to the heavens and prayed for the AI god to give him patience and his prayers were answered, as always. 

 

Clint and Bucky would live to see another day. 

 

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))

**Author's Note:**

> (( You can prompt me if you wish for other fics, or for any ideas you may have about this fic at [ Hellogoodbye](http://hellogoodbye741.tumblr.com/ask) ))


End file.
